One Hundred and Thirty Seven

As narrated by Dee:

“What’s stopping you?”

I bite my nutella-covered toast, contemplating Amz’s question.

“Besides the guilt,” adds Amz, pouring milk into her tea.

I chew, swallow, and then bite into my toast again.

“Well..” I finally say. “I don’t really know.”

Amz stirs her tea, patiently waiting for me to continue.

“It’s just that… I don’t think I can face her… after everything…” I say slowly, trailing off.

“But..” I continue. “Recently.. I feel like I should go to see her.. you know, clear everything up.. Especially now that.. now that Paapa’s gone…”

“Maybe things will be different..” I admit quietly, studying the crumbs on my plate.

A moment of silence settles between us.

“I say just go, Dee. You won’t regret it. You’re just looking at the whole situation with a negative eye. Trust me, your mother is probably dying to see you,” says Amz.

I frown, slightly irritated at her overly-enthusiastic encouragement.

Deep down, a familiar ache throbs on, craving to feel a confirmation of Amz’s words.

Wrapping my fingers around my mug, I let my mind wander to a place of bittersweet memories.

No matter how hard I try to forget, no matter how many times I push them away, they always resurface.

They always do and I know that they always will, for the mind has a strange way of remembering what we most want it to forget..

I close my eyes for a moment, recalling her scent, her touch, her smile. Maama.

“Dee.”

Sighing, I open my eyes.

“Don’t dwell. It’s going to trigger your nightmares,” advises Amz.

I drink up my coffee, aware that Amz is right.

Pushing back my stool, I get up, drop my dishes in the sink and head upstairs.

After a quick shower, I dress, pick my phone off my pedestal and head outside into the backyard.

Laying down under the big tree, I call Zee.

“‘Ello,” he greets cheerily.

“What’s up?” I ask, smiling.

“Zilch. Might do some baking later. I mean, what better way to spend the last day of the holidays?!”

“All you did this holiday was bake. You’re going to turn into a big, round hot-cross bun!”

“Well at least I had a more productive holiday than you! And besides, you ate half my baking so guess you’ll be turning into a big, round hot-cross bun too!” he laughs.

“Heyy that rhymed!” he adds a second later. “I’m a poet.”

“Poets rhyme intentionally,” I point out.

“Yeah, so what did I just do?!”

“You rhymed and then realized, like, 1 month later,” I say, exaggeratedly.

Zee laughs, and I can’t help but grin.

“Anyway,” I say after a moment. “I need some advice..”

“Hang on a sec..”

I hear shuffling and then it’s quiet again. I have his full attention now.

“Alright, advice on?” asks Zee.

I relate to him my discussion with Amz this morning, telling him how she’s been encouraging me to at least go and see my mother for the past couple weeks, but I’d just avoid the topic, until recently.. where I now find myself actually considering it, yet still remaining uncertain.

He listens attentively, letting me finish before he speaks.

“Dee, I’m sure it’s a difficult choice, but you have to understand, that until you don’t take this step, you won’t be able to move forward. You have to mend this bridge, cross it, and then burn it completely. There is so much more to life than what you think there is. And you don’t know this because you’re too scared to feel too strongly. There is so much happiness and opportunities out there for you to achieve, but you have to want to do it, you have to strive for it. It’s not going to just come. Happiness is a choice, Dee. You have to move past all the negative emotions to get to the positive ones. And obviously it won’t be there eternally. Everyone has their bad days. But you can choose to have more good days than bad days. You can choose to be more happy than sad. You can choose to let go of the past and be free rather than carrying anger, hatred and guilt with you. What use is it, anyway? You’re just harming yourself. You need to start allowing yourself to feel. And once you get that right, you have to hold the reigns and keep those feelings under control. I agree with Amz. Go for it. Take it one step at a time but start walking. It’s time you face the music and let go of the past, because honestly Dee, it’s holding you back from so much.”

He pauses, waiting to hear if I have anything to say, but I don’t say anything.

I wanted him to tell me that it’s okay if I don’t feel like visiting my mum; even though I know it’s not, but he didn’t. He hasn’t said what I want to hear, he’s said what I need to hear. And I know that he’s right; Amz often tells me the same things, but I don’t want him to be right.

“I know it’s easy for me to speak, because I’m not experiencing what you are, but set your mind to it and just take the plunge. Don’t think about it too deeply, because then you’re going to find more void reasons not to go.”

His words are gentle and encouraging, and I don’t quite know what to say..

“Don’t give up on yourself. You’ve got this. Kick those negative thoughts in the butt and just do it!” he says.

I find myself grinning involuntarily; his sincere enthusiasm contagious.

We talk for a little longer before Zee needs to go.

Confirming that we’ll meet at school tomorrow, we greet and hang up.

I look up at the clear blue sky, appreciating the gentle breeze that blows as the scorching sun shines down.

I ponder over my conversation with Zee, the sound of moving cars and singing birds sounding distant as my thoughts deepen.

Some time later, Amz joins me outside.

“So, when are you going?” she asks, casually.

I glance at her, delaying my answer for extra effect.

“Who said I’m going?”

---

Hey. Hi. Hello. Salaam. Bonjour. Salut. Ciao. Ahoj. Bog. Marhaba. Ola.

GUESS WHO’S BACK! 🙋😀

Hope all my wonderful readers are well. 💜

Soo, do you guys think Dee is going to go see her family or not? Do you think she should or rather not??

Eagerly awaiting your feedback. 😉

Much Love,

Troubled Illusioner. ❤

(P.S. Lowkey missed you guys. 😊🙈😘)