One Hundred and Five

*K.A. this one’s for you; for reasons you know, and reasons you don’t know. ❤

As narrated by Daanyaal:

Today Uncle Rashid visited me.

He visited often when I was in hospital, but not as much during Rehab.

He came bearing news.

“Daanyaal, I’ve spoken to the necessary doctors, and they’ve agreed to discharge you in a weeks time. How does that sound, dear?” he asked, smiling.

“That’s the best thing I’ve heard since I got here,” I replied, grinning.

But now Uncle Rashid is gone and I am thinking about what he’s said. And the questions inside my head are causing a headache to build up.

Where will I stay??

With who will I stay??

Will I live with my mother??

What about Deeyanah??

Is she going to live with us??

How will we find Dayyanah??

How are we going to live without a father??

But more than all of those questions, one question demands to be answered sooner than the rest.

Is it all true??

Is this actually my life?? Am I honestly here because of my father; my own blood and flesh, who is now dead??

Is it all really true??

My mind can’t comprehend.

It’s too much to take in, to accept.

And maybe the only way to get all these answers is to leave this Rehab in a good frame of mind, asks my questions bravely, and if it is all be as terrible as it sounds, I’ll be well enough to handle it.

My psychologist mentioned to Dee that there’s been a fall back in my progress, and I can see that Dee is really beating herself up about it.

In the time since we reunited, Dee and I have grown really close. She’s the only one who has really been through it all with me. And I owe her so much more than all the guilt she is feeling because of me.

But when you’re a 12 year old kid in Rehab, struggling to punctuate sentences correctly, unsure if your life is a lie or not, things aren’t all that easy..

As much as I just want to get out of this place, I’m terrified.

I’m terrified of what lays outside the black gates surrounding this dull blue building.

I’m terrified of what the future has in store for me.

This fear, these unanswered questions, these feelings of doubt and uncertainty… it’s killing me on the inside, clawing at my mental health, making my recovery more and more difficult.

Maybe I need a change of environment, a less monotonous routine.

One week.

One week and then I’ll have to face everything head on.

For now, I have to look after myself.

I have to fight my mind and the negativity threatening to destroy me.

I have to stay strong.

I have to fight on.

Maybe for Dee too, but more importantly, for myself.



6 thoughts on “One Hundred and Five

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s