*Haaj, this one’s for you.
It’s not two posts, but at least it’s not two words! 🙂 ❤
As narrated by Dee:
“We realized too late.”
I drop my head down, leaning my forehead against the hard wooden table, where Daanyaal said they eat their meals.
Tears fall down my face slowly, but for a change, I don’t try to stop them.
Maybe if I allow myself to feel, the grief inside me will consume me to a point of no return.
Maybe if I allow the memories to haunt me, soon they will take me to a place of no return.
But, alas, grief is an emotion which will keep you alive whilst killing you at the same time. And that is why it is so painful.
Grief will bring you right to the jaws of death but grief will never hand you over to the beast.
Grief will allow the lion to claw your heart but grief will never allow the lion to drink your heart’s blood.
Grief will dangle you over the edge of a cliff, but grief will never let you go.
See, grief lives off grief. The more you feel it, the worse it becomes, the more it controls you, and the stronger its fort around your heart, which is trying to be happy again, becomes. But the thing is, disallowing yourself to grieve is harmful too. Sophisticated, isn’t it?
However, at the end of the day, we’re humans. And as humans, we were made to feel.
So allow yourself to feel, but never allow a feeling to control you to a point of senselessness.
Never allow yourself to become so sad, that the happiness of an innocent child does not make you smile.
Never allow yourself to become so happy, that the sadness of a widow does not make you grateful for your husband.
Never allow yourself to become so intoxicated with the feeling of love, that you become unable to hate those who deserve to be shown no kindness.
Daanyaal’s voice breaks through my thoughts, causing me to lift my head.
“There was a woman… another one.”
He frowns, confusion marring his face.
“What do you mean?” he asks quietly.
“He fell in love,” I reply, choking back a sob. “He fell in love with a woman in London, Daanyaal.”
His expression doesn’t change.
I sigh, rubbing my eyes.
He doesn’t understand!
Of course he doesn’t. How can I expect him to understand the situation when I myself can barely make sense of it till today?
Pulling off my beanie, I retie my hair into a tighter bun, and then slip my beanie on again.
I down some water, gripping my bottle tightly in an attempt to steady my shaking hands.
Then, I remind myself to breathe.
In.. hold.. out.
I wipe my eyes and focus my attention back to Daanyaal who is watching me carefully. He looks worried. Giving him a small smile, I reach for his hands which rest on the table top.
“Daanyaal,” I begin. “Listen, I’m trying to explain everything to you in the best way I can, but I don’t quite understand everything myself, so please just try to somehow make sense of it the best you can, okay?”
I take a deep breath, trying to shut off my emotions again before continuing.
“The first time Paapa went to London, it was for a business conference. He said so, and he spoke the truth. Now remember I told you that he was suppose to come back on Wednesday, but he only ended up coming on Saturday?”
I stop, waiting for his acknowledgement to assure me he is following.
He nods immediately and I continue.
“The actual reason for that was because, at that conference, a few woman were present.”
I pause, thinking as to how I should phrase my words.
“Simply saying, he found one of them attractive and things got a bit out of control, to the point that Paapa seemingly forgot that he has a wife and kids back home in Johannesburg.”
I notice Daanyaal looking at me weirdly so I pause.
“What?” I ask.
“Did all of this happen for real, or are you just telling me things to stop my questions?”
“What?!” I gasp, my eyes widening in shock at his question.
“Is this the truth? Are you telling me the truth?” he demands, pulling his hands out of mine.
My jaw clenches as I feel a slight rush of anger inside me.
How dare he?! Does he not realize how much courage this is taking?! Does he not realize what destructive emotions I’m currently fighting?! Does he not realize how painful this is for me?!
I take a deep breath in.
Dee, calm down. Calm… down. If you were in his situation, if you lost huge chunks of your memory, and your sister came to you one day and suddenly agrees to tell you everything she refused to tell you for so many weeks, would you believe her in the blink of an eye? Would you have no questions and doubts? You would, wouldn’t you?
A heavy escapes my lips.
“It’s the truth, Daanyaal. I’m telling you nothing but the truth.”
“Then why are you talking about it like we’re discussing the damn weather?!” he questions harshly. “If it’s as bad as you make it seem why are you being so casual and… and, I don’t know what about it?”
“Nonchalant?” I offer.
“I don’t know what that means!” he says.
I can hear that he is getting frustrated, which only reminds me to be extra patient.
“It’s when you behave like I am behaving now. When you’re unusually calm or not bothered,” I reply.
“Yeah, that, whatever!” he says. “Why are talking like that?”
“Maybe because it’s easier to talk about it this way,” I answer, quietly. “Maybe because if I pretend it’s just the weather we’re discussing it won’t hurt so much.”
Maybe if I pretend I’m okay, I’ll feel okay.
If only pretending was so easy though…